goldmourn (5/10/2010 6:39:23 PM): oh wow...
sometimes i'm so much smarter than i let myself be in my actions, in my own life, in my own ways of thinking & taking care of myself.
dear internet friend (5/10/2010 6:40:59 PM): You're wise.
goldmourn (5/10/2010 6:41:17 PM): i don't act it, oh if you only knew what a mess this past year had been for me!
this was just after i had met my ex (online, but 2 days before meeting in person),
wow, to think i'd let the relationship mess me up so much!
Excerpts from an email I sent to a dear internet friend 14 August 2007.
As for getting through this, I must agree, it's something you need to do for yourself. I know that it isn't easy. You know I've been through something similarly emotionally difficult. There's a time when you realize it's you, yourself, who has tied that string to that person's heart - and they don't feel it but you are pulling, pulling, pulling - and they aren't any closer. Of course he isn't the right person for you. No 'right' person for you would be so wrong to you. He's been hot-and-cold for a long time now, hasn't he? You deserve someone who wants to be with you. You also don't need to settle. It may still be some time before you find someone who will move you so, who will be good to you. Look at me, I am still waiting, but my heart is more open now. Give yourself time. Of course there will be things in common - not just with him, but with others - even deeper felt connections, believe it or not, will come along - and it may still not work out - but don't lose that open heart, that ability to feel, to relate. You deserve someone who sees you though - just you - not you and her and her and her and her and her and her. You. You. You. You are a very instinctual person, and well developed in much of your maturity and passionate feelings and oh, how I wish I had been half as smart and aware of myself at your age as you are now. I admire you deeply how you reach out and search within. You know inside what is good for you, what is bad. Someone can be 'not all bad' and still be 'not that good' for you. I think you know where the scale has tipped unbalanced here and how it hurts you and your inner self.
You may see it come again and again with this person. I know the hold you've let him have on you and how you've bound yourself. It IS a lot to deal with and you may need a lot more time to deal with it. I, myself, have struggled still at times. Yes, knowing he isn't 'the one' certainly will help, but keep in mind that the one is out there still, going through life, living & possibly feeling heartbreak as well over some silly girl, going about their life - and then one day you will meet, and they will see YOU. In the meantime, continuing to work on yourself (you are perfect as you are. you are a blossoming flower who has so much to give and share and love and express. you are you and you are wonderful and you don't need anyone to validate you to make you better.
Stop searching so consciously, but send your request out into the world. Write it in your journals, as you have done, but unfilter yourself. Or don't write it at all. Let your heart sing for that person, beat, call out. It will do so even when you are not aware. The time may not be now. There are other things in life to be done and dealt with and lived through, even in solitude and loneliness and struggles of life - your soul will still search on, will reach out. It may be soon. It could be much later. There may be dating in between. There may be loves. There may be pain and heartbreak. But your soul will continue on. I believe you will find someone who will love you very much, maybe more than one person. I think you have more time than you think for this to happen. More life to live and experience.
Experience your life as it is now, with the heartbreak, with the solitude, with the wanting. Write it. Feel it. Know it. Grow beyond it. Fill yourself with happy things. Brighter things. Build friendships. Stretch yourself outward. Look inward. You will grow beyond this and far surpass anything you've experienced with this man. I know this for certain.
I am grateful that you have shared with me. Expressing myself to you just now is as though I were speaking to myself. I know these words come from some place other than me, something deeper and more instinctual.
I apologize for the delay in responding but I think this was the time for me to write you.
Much love and gratitude in the sharing of ourself. Please don't ever think I am pushing away your feelings. I understand what you are going through. I can simply see past this, because I am now in the position where I can look back on my past self.
I am very much looking forward to watching you grow through this and continue to live, passionately, open heart, searching & longing for a pure connection. I think it is beautiful. And so are you.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Over Two Years Later...
Why do you forget to tell me this stuff?