goldmourn (amberdawnpullin) wrote,
goldmourn
amberdawnpullin

awkward, painful facets of your core self

bits of msn conversation early morning 27th April 2009...

[...]

pugtastrophe says:
I've tried every medication aside from some of the older things with nasty side-effect profiles, I was in therapy for a long time, never really helped
amber dawn says:
then medication isn't the thing. and therapy, well, it depends on the therapist (i am without one right now and need one and depending on the claim decision, will likely be back with one if I win) and i was without medication for months until recently when i couldn't deal with the panic attacks anymore, but - honestly, something just has to snap in your mind to realize that the saying
"get over it" - is sadly, partly fucking true. And I hate it. Because I know it's not true. And that medication and therapy and a support system of some sorts is really fucking necessary
but it took me having to completely lose my mind, sense of touch and feeling and everything - go totally over the edge - and then push past it, realize i'm going to live, and then go from there.
pugtastrophe says:
when did you lose your mind? what was it like?
amber dawn says:
and then you make the choices, the small ones. shower. go outside. whatever the fuck. for me, i had to push completely past & make HUGE changes / choices risen out of no choice that made me get over myself, or at least, pushed past more than i thought i could ever get over) but it's your life and one day you'll be dead. why rush it? (or why not get on with things?) be grateful.
It was scary as hell.
and thrilling. I was past what I thought I could ever go as far as being scared. Then the worst happened (well, not the worst if you compare to things going on in the world) but my worst fears: - losing my love / relationship, losing my cats of 8 years, being homeless, losing everything - it happened.
pugtastrophe says:
how long ago was this?
just curious
amber dawn says:
And then I was still alive. And I kept on. And now I have an apartment at the Beaches in a beautiful area...
it was in October, mid-october that I lost everything.
But I have my cats back. I've got a beautiful bachelor apartment at the Beaches in Toronto. I made it through. I'm stronger than I thought. So whatever is going on now - having to find another job because I quit my other one, waiting for the claim decision, not having certainties in relationships - whatever - ya know? I'll still be here.
you're getting older every day. Fucking start living. I wish I was 24 again, even if it was hard - and things were hard - no, i don't wish i was that age again, i mean, i wish i still had more time, like you do, even if it's difficult.
it's going to go by so fast, man. seek out the help you need and move forward.
life is never going to be the way you want it to be, except for very few rare moments that happen like a blip
the rest can be shit.
the good stuff is worth it, i swear it is.
pugtastrophe says:
I spent a long time thinking I just needed help to be like people, to function like other people, to get the software of western civilization installed and operating on my brain, but in a lot of ways I'm just not sure it's possible. I guess I shouldn't be saying things like that since I already started this conversation making you think I was arrogant, but, I don't know, trust me, I've always been...different, although I know everyone thinks they are.
right now I'm trying to sell a screenplay that came from something very personal
with uncharacteristic optimism in the idea maybe there's just a place in the world for me
as I am
but, until I'm successful at getting some recognition for who I am
I'm not really sure what to do
amber dawn says:
that sounds beautiful & positive. Do you know I have a note on my desk wall saying an idea for a screenplay but haven't started even trying to write it? Do you even know how far ahead you are anyway?
you can't get recognition just like that - just do what you want to do ! WRITE - send it out ! Get rejected! Write again! Keep sending out! Fuck, you're ahead of the game. Don't stop.
I envy you. I haven't started a screenplay and I've wanted to write one.
pugtastrophe says:
well, anyway, I entered some big contests, sent out some query letters, but lately I've just been waiting, it's hard to maintain motivation
it took me a long time
and I have the luxury of being spoiled by guilty parents
amber dawn says:
You're very lucky then...
well, fuck motivation, just keep writing. and if you can, get out there and connect with other writers.
or people succeeding at what they do.
that might be motivation.
pugtastrophe says:
you're so intoxicatingly passionate, you know? even with other people's dreams, it's really palpable
amber dawn says:
Thank you. Must admit I wish I was more passionate in regards to action for my own dreams. But yes, I want to see people go for it.
especially since you're actually trying.
it makes me want it more for you.
pugtastrophe says:
when I can get my motivation up enough

[...]

amber dawn says:
I'm going to add some of my own thoughts to it - like i want to stress in italics as afterthoughts about how i believe medication is necessary for many with mental illness but so is a good doctor and that it alone can't solve everything but can be the difference between functioning and not function - you know?
pugtastrophe says:
yeah, I definitely agree....
amber dawn says:
i don't want people to get the idea that I honestly believe you can "just get over it" - when I know that isn't true. I am still dealing with and have been dealing with anxiety and depression for many years now and I could definitely use more help - therapy-wise and i need a doctor to help regulate the anxiety meds - and more help with coping skills and so forth - but I know for myself personally
pugtastrophe says:
I'm a believer in medication and technological intervention in general, despite not being on any at the moment. if there was something I really thought could help believe me I'd take it.
amber dawn says:
that I got pushed so far past what i could handle that i realized - wonder of all wonders - i could handle it - but again, i had some support in the way of someone being there - the story could have been different if i hadn't had my father, Bruce (like an uncle to me) and something in me that always keeps me going.
Well, you are functioning and personally, I'd rather not take meds at all, and I'm glad I was not on them for several months, because it showed I can do it - it wasn't until I couldn't handle the panic attacks and I couldn't handle the horrendous nightmares (it was to the point I was almost tempted to go to a local bar just to ask someone to come home with me to hold me in bed, ya know? which
would NOT have been a good idea.
pugtastrophe says:
that...."something" really is powerful in you. I mean, it's just so visceral, even in your instant messages and cursory LJ posts...like it's pounding and leaping out of your chest...
well, someone at a local bar would have been very fortunate....but yeah, not good
amber dawn says:
I wish it would leap into something concrete. published poetry. a book. something that says I was here.
pugtastrophe says:
I know the feeling.
amber dawn says:
ha, thank you... but no, probably not - because right before the meds, I really needed someone to hold me, to be there beside me when I woke up or was going through sleep paralysis or was going to fall back into the same nightmare and would wake up terrified - i don't think that's the turn on anyone from a bar would have wanted - plus, they'd be passed out drunk.
amber dawn says:
yes, i can tell you know what i mean -

[...]

pugtastrophe says:
but I'm sure it's at least partially because you have jagged bits, pieces of you that don't fit into life or other people. I can tell you're similar to me in that regard. You want to know that these awkward, painful facets of your core self have some and meaning and some worth, that they have some greater reason for existing if you can just give rise to it
amber dawn says:
yes,

reading alden nowlan poems
on the streetcar at 2:18am.

365 Days (2009): Day 116
[26 April 2009] / Toronto, Ontario, Canada]
Tags: internet convos
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