goldmourn (amberdawnpullin) wrote,

Writer's Block: Friends Forever

What do you bring most to a friendship?

Not much, actually.

I'm a good friend if you don't get too close to me. All my crap just starts cluttering up the goodness that was a fancy-free friendship and then just give it time - crappiest. friend. ever. I don't intend for this to happen but I have some personal issues (which are perceived often as just excuses) and this tends to affect my relationships with people. If we can keep it light & fluffy, it's all good.

One thing I'm really awesome at is pushing people away. I have this feeling of not deserving anything good (this will hopefully soon be worked on in therapy) and it splatters over into how I deal with those who try to be close to me. I can be neglectful, forgetful and hurtful. I honestly don't mean to be though. That doesn't change how it is at the moment, but it's how I am.

If you're the kind of person who feels better about your own life or current circumstances by having someone like me around, well then, I'm perfect for that role. I don't always play it well though as I then start to get defiant and look at what's going well for me. When the comparison doesn't relate to another's idea of what should be 'going well' (for me, that might be having a shower or leaving the apartment more than once in a week, or say, managing to not kill myself) well, then there's a problem. And it's mine.

If we listened to our intellect - we'd never have a love affair, we'd never have a friendship, we'd never go into business - because we'd be cynical. Well that's nonsense. You've got to jump off cliffs all the time and build your wings on the way down.
- Ray Bradbury

Surface friendships. To be honest with myself, I'm better at those right now. I can let you in and I can relate to you and I can make you laugh and maybe even feel a connection or bonding of sorts, but that's only if I'm in a situation where you can't see the part of me that is getting tired, worn, sick of feeling this sinking feeling - that feeling that no one will ever accept me if I was to be completely and totally myself.

There are rare moments, when I know somewhere inside my crazy head, that I'm able to bring a lot to friendships. It doesn't much compare to all that I've been given, but I manage to muster up some good times. I can listen to you if you open up to me. I will laugh at the goofiest things, including myself. I have tons of encouragement and advice to help you (that I don't follow for myself). I will do what I can for you if you just ask me. I can be persuaded to try almost anything. I can hand you one of my favourite pebbled stones. The other thing that I can do for a friendship - and I'm talking about the best most long deep running friendships I've ever experienced - is to give you space, let you be or let you go. I believe that there are times when this is absolutely necessary and a part of the changes that occur in an individual's journey, as well as their relationships.

If that friend is missing what I bring most to them, I will always be happy and grateful to see them again, no matter how long it's been --- whether to meet you on the path, the doorstep or to let you inside once again.

No distance of place or lapse of time can lessen the friendship
of those who are thoroughly persuaded of each other's worth.

- Robert Southey
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