“It doesn't seem fair. How do I find dignity in this? Do I cease to become a person if I have a mate?”
08 February 2008 @ 03:42:16pm
(Re: money received if one is receiving O.D.S.P. (due to inability to work) and of how the amount is reduced if you have a spouse, automatically assumed to be your “provider”).
“I don't know if I'm worth the trouble anymore. By the time they're done with me, what good will be left?”
(Re: The feeling of worthlessness & despair that occurs from having one's head crushed under foot by a system so detached from the people it claims to work for that there is nothing left but disconnect and disbelief on all sides).
“My mother had an accident. She makes my existence sound like shitting one's pants.”
08 February 2008 @ 04:19:48pm
(Re: It's not as if I didn't already know the story about how my sister and I were unexpected, so to speak, given that my father was supposed to be sterile, but for mother to have worded it so at such a time where I am questioning whether my continual existence is both an accident and shit, this thought seemed almost poignant).
Excerpt from paper journal #20 / Friday, February 1st, 2008:
5:30pm Cliff wants to be with me. He is so amazing & we really have been learning so much together. I'm able to visualize a future with him. I deserve to be happy & allow myself that with someone as incredible as him. Yes, I am able to love & connect w/others but I need to learn & know that --- I don't know where that thought is going now because I just looked at the photo of him & I from when we ice skated in November and it brought tears to my eyes. Oh, I do hope that we will be kind to each other. At the same time, we need to learn to be kind to ourselves. To love our selves & be able to express emotions, thoughts & fears w/ a sense of safety or/and acceptance from one another. We must be friends & lovers. I want to be good to Cliff.
AND I want to be better to my friends. I want to be a good person who, at the end of it all, will have made life a better journey – not so hard on fellow weary people that I meet. I understand more about suffering & kinship but there are times I am so obtuse caught up in my self, my own pain. I want to learn from my experiences & others – from the people who share their lives, even so briefly, their insight – I want to learn & make my life meaningful. I want what I go through or cause others to, to be worth it. Some elevation of soul. It has to be for something, this struggle with self & the world, the mind, my body.