goldmourn (amberdawnpullin) wrote,

not making the grade

We have the need to be accepted and to be loved by others, but we cannot accept and love ourselves. The more self-love we have, the less we will experience self-abuse. Self-abuse comes from self-rejection, and self-rejection comes from having an image of what it means to be perfect and never measuring up to that ideal. Our image of perfection is the reason we reject ourselves the way we are, and why we don't accept others the way they are.
- Don Miguel Ruiz

classmate from last term says:
some girl was pissed you got the credit
{amber dawn} says:
well screw her. she doesn't know that i aced everything i handed in.
i earned it still.
i nearly got a 60, for crying out loud. on my final exam I got 120 out of 126. how the hell did she do on it/
former classmate says:
she failed with a 49
{amber dawn} says:
well, i realize it can suck if you're there everyday and you don't get the credit and you're handing in stuff and trying
one percent
I would have been pissed
{amber dawn} says:
and then someone like me is never there and I don't show up and i don't hand in (most of the) the assignments ---
but I aced everything i did hand in. I'm fucking brilliant. i just don't apply myself, and i also deal with severe chronic anxiety with agoraphobic reclusive tendencies when my meds or head is out of whack.
so the fact I even passed, is something I accomplished and earned just as much as she failed.
though i'm sorry she failed, it's unlikely she did as well on her tests as i did. you saw my marks - i was kicking ass, when i handed stuff in.
i feel bad for those who have try to try so much harder. i understand. but she shouldn't be angry at me for her failure.
if she'd asked marla for help in any way, or guidance about how she could improve her mark, she would have passed - i'd be pissed too, if i failed.
i had a 40 something going into that exam.
i HAD to ace it in order to pass.
And ace it I did.
I'm not going to feel bad for that.
i earned that damn credit, even though I should have done better.
former classmate gets word in edge-wise:
holy shit
{amber dawn} says:
i guess i needed to vent there.
smart classmate says:
I got 96 which I figured I would get 95
{amber dawn} says:
see, you did awesome.
and she says:
{amber dawn} says:
you earned your mark.
so there you go.
i earned my mark.
and she, alas, earned her mark, whether i was rarely there or not.
Marla failed me in this class before because i didn't do any of the work and i missed most all of the tests and missed even more time than i did this past term. she doesn't give a grade. I think i had a 30-something.
when i started out at school, i had to have 90s - when i broke down, i had to accept i couldn't do it with my anxiety. getting this diploma just barely, was an accomplishment for me.
so what did she say then/
when she was pissed that i passed.
did she know i got good grades on what i handed in/
that i was of the highest marks on the tests and such/
compassionate classmate says:
she was whispering I only got bits and pieces but I said you were smart that's why
{amber dawn} says (10:36 PM):
lovely you, thank you.
thank you for saying that.
i don't blame her, again, i can understand, especially if she didn't realize that i was getting good grades on what i did do.
she says:
well, you are and then I said she just doesn't apply that to attending school
{amber dawn} says (10:37 PM):
thank you...
& she says (10:37 PM):
she came in crying about it
{amber dawn} says (10:37 PM):
oh no... i do feel bad for her... i can understand... i've failed several courses over the past year...
& she said (10:37 PM):
I felt kind of bad when she told me that. she may have been late but she was there almost everyday haha I would know because I was
{amber dawn} says (10:38 PM):
i know. i wish i had been there to explain myself, but probably best i wasn't. but the thing is, i do understand why it would upset her, especially if she was doing the best she could, and was there everyday.
i sorta just showed up sporadically. but my marks were really good, ya know? with what i handed in...
i'm sorry for her.
especially that she would be angry at me...
because, well, ultimately we can only look to ourselves for our failures.
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