goldmourn (amberdawnpullin) wrote,
goldmourn
amberdawnpullin

The post where I sound like I'm 12 years old, like OMG.

I hadn't talked to the crush in a few days. I avoided him on Monday even though we made eye contact from down the hall. Tuesday, he wasn't there. Wednesday, he walked right by me without even looking my way. (Serves me right considering the day before I wouldn't even go near him or the part of the hall where he was standing at). I've been feeling all weird inside thinking about him. It's making me act stupid.

So last night, in my dreams, I went up to him and he didn't smile or anything so I said, "fine, be a jerk!" and then I took off to the washroom. I recognized it as being the school I attended for junior high (grade 7 & 8) and after waking up, I thought that was symbolically appropriate. When I looked in the mirror, I saw that I was covered in facial hair. It was awful! It wasn't a full beard but long stubble and horrible. I have a bad enough time with chin hair, let alone something like this. Seriously, I'm already a headcase about my weight and such, this would just make things worse. Superficial, I know, but still. Oh, and add onto that, I had some sort of condition on my lips that made them have these thorn like red things and I had to use the tweezers to pick them all out. When they were removed, they'd leave a hole. I actually saw these things as I put them in my hand. It was so gross. I woke myself up during that part because I didn't want to keep doing that anymore. Thinking about it afterward, it made me see that I do tend to catastrophize my appearance.

After that realization, you'd think I'd have gone about my day just fine, right? Sadly, no. I had one of my worst mornings in a long time, nearly in tears because, in my mind, I am monstrously fat. Nothing I put on looked acceptable. The side view made me want to give up the idea of leaving my apartment ever again. I made myself get dressed and go out the door anyway, seeing as how my appearance is unlikely to change overnight and make tomorrow any different. This is the way I look right now and this is what my body is like and this is just how it is for now. That sort of change, unless you have lots of money to take the shortcut, is going to take awhile. I walked to school feeling awful about myself and trying to combat the negative thoughts that were repeating. I'm fat, I'm fat, I'm fat. I hate being fat. I'm never eating again. Blah, blah, blah. Self-loathing is what got me to this point, surely more self-loathing won't make it any better.

Long story short, I was in the hallway at break and the guy I have a crush on walked toward me. He looked like he was heading toward the washroom which was right across from where I was speaking with another student, just outside my classroom. He smiled and I said to him, "Hi there, Stranger" and then he came over and talked with me until we were told to go to class. I'd like to get to know him outside of school but how do I ask that without sounding like a weirdo? I'm running out of time with this because he's done at the end of this term which is in December. Then he's off to college (a different one than where I'll be going) and likely never to be seen again. If I even hope for friendship, something will have to happen soon. Then again, if he wanted to be friends or hang out or liked me too, he'd have said something by now, right? I mean, I know that just because he talks to me, that doesn't mean he's interested. I talk with lots of people at school during the day and I don't practice the, "would you like to have coffee with me sometime?" speech when I think about them.

What would a person with healthy well-developed social skills do?
Tags: dreams & nightmares
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