typewriter keep typing

day 2 fail

Monday, December 2nd, 2019.
11:48pm
I don't think I can type 750 words quick enough - not in ten minutes - though I have done in it close to 15 or so before - but the 'r' key is sticking on this qwerkywriter keyboard and it needs a cleaning, I'm beginning this way too late and I don't know what to say.

It wasn't so much procrastination as it just seemed that I wasn't going to attempt to write tonight once it reached a certain time. I thought that I'd let the writing streak (wants to type 'steak' instead) die on the second day of the month - that sure takes the pressure off, eh? - but here I am, trying to write?

Why do so many words have the letter 'r' in them?!

My eyes hurt and while I had come to find out that I require glasses for distances (apparently there is a slight blur that I didn't realize was there, my eyes were worn down at least twenty years ago, the eye doctor had said) but I remain reluctant to wear them. It is only the past few days where my eyes have hurt quite a lot no matter what I am doing or not doing that I think I should make more of an effort to wear them. I don't even know how to properly clean them. I haven't been a glasses wearing person for my entire life but just as I haven't had braces, that doesn't mean I don't or didn't need them.

Received an email about that college program that has continuous enrollment and one of the days to register is tomorrow. The final day for next term is on the 10th. If I leave it until the final day, I may not get my choice of the elective and there is one in particular I'd really like to take - especially if I end up having to move away and don't get to complete the program - however, with the talking back and forth, it seems that it could be possible for me to stay for the time period I would need to finish the program --- that is, if I can finish even one entire term.

Truthfully, I don't know if I will. Do I have the strength to follow through? To not let the various tangents of daily life deter me off course? School doesn't scare me. I love the academic environment. If anything, I think of further education. I've always thought of it. It's been one of those 'what might have been' paths for me that I didn't take for much of my life. This could be my chance.

It was my chance last term though but this summer, oh this summer was bad.

It wasn't school. Again, it was the only good thing happening, despite my grumblings about the Groundhog Day affect of starting over again with the same classes and repeating the same thing that I have begun so many times before. The absolute boredom. My personal disdain for myself that I am starting again and beginning again and trying again and again and again.

I'm two hundred words short of the goal (and then some) with about two minutes to go before midnight. I'm not sure that I can make it. It's too close and I backspace a lot but I'm trying very hard not to do that. If I make no sense from this sentence forward, understand that I am just trying to get to the word count goal with one desperate attempt not to break a writing streak that I probably should have put more effort into instead of leaving it to the final ten minutes of the night. Midnight is when the site stops you from writing anything further.

Made a vlog today. It was under two minutes. Balcony view. But I went outside. I walked in the snow. When to the pharmacy to pick up my anti-anxiety meds after depositing money at the bank. Because of the size of the dollar bill, I went to the teller. Entered the line at the wrong end.

Made it to 646 words. 750 was the goal. Streak broken.
alice lost in labyrinth

December, so sad.



Sunday, December 1st, 2019.
11:33pm
I was writing in my paper journal (something I haven't done in a long time) and thinking about whether I would attempt to type 750 words today or not. Decided I would at least try. This isn't giving me much time to do so and I don't know what I will write about but here I go. Again.

Re: NaNoWriMo - I didn't make it a week with the words. I just couldn't. Couldn't even. Didn't. Did not complete. Nope. Nothing.

When there are some things one can't write about but they are the biggest things happening in one's life, it makes it hard for me to think of writing anything at all. I wonder, what's the point if I can't write what is actually on my mind? To not be able to share the feelings and thoughts I have about (at the time) big life events, it's very frustrating. It brings me to a halt. I don't know what to do with that. All the words I can't write that are right there. There.

I made a vlog earlier this evening - a talking to the webcam vlog - and I surprised myself with how sad I am. I tried to make the vlog a few times and then just accepted that I sounded that depressed because I likely am. sad vlog is sad. It's so sad that it won't upload to YouTube. It's not even a quarter of the way there and it's been uploading for a long time. If it ever uploads, I may try to make a talking vlog every day this month but I don't know. I haven't been doing anything daily as of recent.

11:40pm Just realized that I didn't put any music on. This is probably the first time I've typed words without something playing in the background. I was listening to and watching YouTube videos while writing a page or two in my paper journal and that's likely why I didn't turn on Spotify. Also, I don't think I want any applications interfering with this upload process - it's already slow enough.

It is December 2019. The last month of the year 2019. Isn't that strange? To those of us who have been around for a bit, isn't it a bit surreal to see that it will be 2020 in less than a month. Incomprehensible long ago.

The now is here. It keeps being now and I'm still not present. I'm all over the place, back and forth into the past. Tripping over the various possible strings tied to other paths I might have taken at different points in my life. I'm here with this tangled mess.

What do I do with this?

11:45pm The decision has been made that I will move back to my hometown next year. It's the practical thing to do. The best way to survive. Makes financial sense. Keeps the cat family together. I mentioned in the vlog that I'm heartbroken. I am.

It won't be the worst thing. I know that. But it will feel like that sometimes. Even though it won't be. I'm going backward but sometimes that is the way forward. The roundabout. Or am I always going in circles? Do I circle upward or down or is it a mixture of both until the inevitable end of it all? I don't know what I'm doing and it shows. Then again, I'm not all that sure that anyone really knows what they're doing in every aspect of their lives. Just when you think you do, something happens to make you see that you don't.

The marriage remains open and my heart is a cage that is locked up. I love, yes, but not in the way I would like. I feel the lack and I tried to give dating a shot but I hate the apps. Exhausted by the way it's done. Is it really so different than when I was in my thirties and I'm just more tired now or have things become too swipey? Swipe away. Next.

I am who I say I am. Truth and trust mean a lot to me. If I haven't shared one thing, it's only because I don't know if I feel like it's safe to do so. Otherwise, I'm an open book and it's all out here anyway, in some form. I've been online for a long time. I've got thousands of photographs, hundreds of videos, so many online journal entries, instagram posts and tweets, podcasts and other breadcrumbs of me. I'm scattered everywhere but it's me. This is me.

11:55pm This turning forty something crisis is hitting me really hard and I'm struggling with it terribly.

But I made it to 750 words.

Hello, December.

It was a dark and stormy December day.
typewriter keep typing

poems: 30 May 2019

wolf heart


I can’t with your doubt of me. Oh but
you will always be a howl in my heart.

- adp, 30 May 2019 @ 9:30am







explanation


Yes, I’m married but rent is so expensive
and we’re already such good roommates.
Why would we put ourselves into a terrible
place just because you feel uncomfortable
with the thought of someone being close
enough to touch me? — when they don’t.







That time I had CBD oil


That time I had CBD oil (ordered from the
government website and delivered to my
door) the 50/50 had me sobbing when it
hit because I saw the rectangular block of
sadness (swallowed down) container brim
full of grief - the sorrow in my core - how

I have held this inside most all of my life.

- adp, 30 May 2019 @ 10:25am
alice cards attack

(poem) april 3rd/4th, 2019

wanting wanting



no i don't know what i'm doing
but i could if we got that far if
we made it there if you let me
breathe for one moment

before you take it away from me

i am so lost and lacking and
i won't be held i can't be but
i will if you give me space to

breathe just a moment please

let me have that - it's just how you know

i've been wanting and you're
wanting and we're all wanting
and it's all i can feel this wanting
and it's all just too much for me to
take in yes i could take it but please

please let me be a moment / have a moment / take a moment

or let me be (but yes, i want to see).



- adp, 04 april 2019 @ 12:02am
typewriter keep typing

(poem) april 2nd, 2019

shit talking



thought of a poem in the washroom
but I don't write in there so words are
lost to air with the smoke of lit matches

dirty thoughts curve round what was
spoken all the things drift over head
o him o her o them, oh you! but then

there are times, I know I know it's me.


- adp, 02 April 2019 @ 11:55pm
typewriter keep typing

(poem) april 1st, 2019

bring me down (into your arms)



take a bird, or two, the three of them there
swooping over city blocks in that graceful
flight line of sight way and remember they
are hunting, hungry, wanting creatures like

us.

.

so i know i told you before about the skyline
and the city but i wanted you to know that i
have more love in me yet, more than several
hearts beating twenty stories down below this

view.

.

call me out of my high tower, my self-imposed
imprisonment, oh i want a love to bring me down
to the earth for my feet to feel ground as i look up
at all the trees reaching sky with the sunset shadow

strewn


across this city / all the sky / and everything / in / between.



- adp, 01 april 2019 @ 5:48pm
typewriter keep typing

Book Reading List 2019

Book Reading List for 2019
- - - - - - -
LEGEND
(date finished)
* = first time read all the way through or never been read before
- - - - - - -

1. The Waking Comes Late by Steven Heighton (17 March 2019) *
2. Where The Words End and My Body Begins by Amber Dawn (08 April 2019) *
3. Mistakes To Run With by Yasuko Thanh (21 April 2019) *
4. My Ariel Poems by Sina Queyras (14 May 2019) *
5. The Allure of the Archives by Arlette Farge (04 July 2019) *
alice directions

Book Reading List 2018

Book Reading List for 2018
- - - - - - -
LEGEND
(date finished)
* = first time read all the way through or never been read before
- - - - - - -

1. Darkness and Light: Private Writing as Art An Anthology of Contemporary Journals, Diaries, and Notebooks Edited by Olivia Dresher and Victor Muñoz (17 April 2018) *
2. A Literate Passion: Letters of Anais Nin & Henry Miller 1932-1953 Edited and with an Introduction by Gunther Stuhlmann (28 June 2018) *
3. On Writing by Charles Bukowski Edited by Abel Debritto (13 July 2018) *
4. Chicken by Lynn Crosbie (24 July 2018) *