Book Reading List for 2019 - - - - - - - LEGEND (date finished) * = first time read all the way through or never been read before - - - - - - - 1. The Waking Comes Late by Steven Heighton (17 March 2019) * 2. Where The Words End and My Body Begins by Amber Dawn (08 April 2019) * 3. Mistakes To Run With by Yasuko Thanh (21 April 2019) * 4. My Ariel Poems by Sina Queyras (14 May 2019) * 5. The Allure of the Archives by Arlette Farge (04 July 2019) * 6. A Silence of Words by Olivia Dresher (23 December 2019) * 7.Hustling VerseAn Anthology of Sex Workers' Poetry Edited by Amber Dawn and Justin Ducharme (30 December 2019) *
I can’t with your doubt of me. Oh but you will always be a howl in my heart.
- adp, 30 May 2019 @ 9:30am
Yes, I’m married but rent is so expensive and we’re already such good roommates. Why would we put ourselves into a terrible place just because you feel uncomfortable with the thought of someone being close enough to touch me? — when they don’t.
That time I had CBD oil
That time I had CBD oil (ordered from the government website and delivered to my door) the 50/50 had me sobbing when it hit because I saw the rectangular block of sadness (swallowed down) container brim full of grief - the sorrow in my core - how
Book Reading List for 2018 - - - - - - - LEGEND (date finished) * = first time read all the way through or never been read before - - - - - - - 1.Darkness and Light: Private Writing as Art An Anthology of Contemporary Journals, Diaries, and Notebooks Edited by Olivia Dresher and Victor Muñoz (17 April 2018) * 2. A Literate Passion: Letters of Anais Nin & Henry Miller 1932-1953 Edited and with an Introduction by Gunther Stuhlmann (28 June 2018) * 3. On Writing by Charles Bukowski Edited by Abel Debritto (13 July 2018) * 4. Chicken by Lynn Crosbie (24 July 2018) *
Wednesday, April 25th, 2018. 11:26pm I'm not going to write this post the same way as I've been writing other ones.
It's been difficult to approach the blank screen, the blinking cursor, this specific outlet. On the one hand, I think it's good that I'm using the computer less often, changing the way I use social media (slightly, sometimes) and trying to live a more tangible life.
I can't deny how I miss being able to post to my LiveJournal and share whatever was on my mind. I miss writing what I was thinking and feeling in the moment and the ability to go on tangents of description, to type out dreams, to feel open and how it connected me with other people online. How it also let some people feel closer to me no matter the distance - and for me too - the way words opened a window, a door -
a door I can't seem to open without great effort - more so as time goes on.
The internet has changed. It will continue to change. I was always aware of this. I liked that about it. But now, as the years have passed, how the way we use social media is changing us - realizing it is a choice always in the way one utilizes tools - and the internet is a tool - but feeling the toll of years - the way the world is now.
I haven't stopped using various platforms (though FB and I continue to have an off again / on briefly / off again relationship) and I am unlikely to ever stop using social media or being interested in it. My interests haven't changed in regards to vlogging, photography, writing and learning. I don't go a day without accessing the internet. But I have noticed a difference. I think it comes from a multitude of factors and the impact of taking in so much information on a daily basis. The influence of influencers.
The heaviness of all that's going on that one can see in real time and the immediate reactions - how I find myself going silent online about it all even as I discuss these matters offline. I am more weary and more wary. I did not grow up with the internet but I have grown up with it in my life since I was 19. I am not 19 anymore. I'm still learning but I have learned a lot - or enough - to know that it is not emotionally sustainable to consume online content the way that I have and take care of my well-being at the same time. How can I even share who I am now if I can't be who I am - if my life is lived mostly through online curating for who? for what?
I want to write. I want to continue to express myself and to have this outlet, this means of expression. I've been writing in my paper journal and I am so grateful I've had the compulsion to put pen to paper - but I know that after all these years, the same need to document my life with video and photos is not to be discounted as valid simply because it doesn't have popularity or an audience. I have always done this for me and I forget that when I give too much of my time over to scrolling timelines and feeds and subscriptions and liking this and faving that without honouring my own time for self- expression / self-care / giving watch time to my self in real time, IRL.
I've been through a lot. Some of it is documented online, some of it isn't.
I know that when I do post or share something, I want it to be authentic. Not hashtag authentic but truly real and representative of what I feel or see or want to share of what I am experiencing in that moment in time, knowing it isn't fully representative of my life but a snapshot, a moment. I don't do it for attention or to subtweet or to hurt anyone. I do it for me. I'm not trying to impress anyone (though I won't deny that if someone is impressed at all by anything I have posted on the internet, if my words or pictures mean anything at all to people, thank you) but I do not want to be posting for validation. I can only validate myself. This is something I will hopefully learn how to do in time but honestly, I don't know if I will.
When I don't post to my online journal, I miss it. I miss this way of writing. I miss the outlet. I miss myself. I feel similarly (though more so) about my paper journal. I think there are other people who can relate to this. Same for those who compulsively take photos of their daily life, who share their lives with vlogs and videos, who are expressing themselves, saying "I was/am here."
I started this LJ in April 2001. All that has happened since then & before. Everything now. All that might yet occur. I am amazed. And I'm still here.