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Book Reading List 2019

Book Reading List for 2019
- - - - - - -
(date finished)
* = first time read all the way through or never been read before
- - - - - - -

1. The Waking Comes Late by Steven Heighton (17 March 2019) *
2. Where The Words End and My Body Begins by Amber Dawn (08 April 2019) *
3. Mistakes To Run With by Yasuko Thanh (21 April 2019) *
4. My Ariel Poems by Sina Queyras (14 May 2019) *
5. The Allure of the Archives by Arlette Farge (04 July 2019) *
6. A Silence of Words by Olivia Dresher (23 December 2019) *
7. Hustling Verse An Anthology of Sex Workers' Poetry Edited by Amber Dawn and Justin Ducharme (30 December 2019) *
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poems: 30 May 2019

wolf heart

I can’t with your doubt of me. Oh but
you will always be a howl in my heart.

- adp, 30 May 2019 @ 9:30am


Yes, I’m married but rent is so expensive
and we’re already such good roommates.
Why would we put ourselves into a terrible
place just because you feel uncomfortable
with the thought of someone being close
enough to touch me? — when they don’t.

That time I had CBD oil

That time I had CBD oil (ordered from the
government website and delivered to my
door) the 50/50 had me sobbing when it
hit because I saw the rectangular block of
sadness (swallowed down) container brim
full of grief - the sorrow in my core - how

I have held this inside most all of my life.

- adp, 30 May 2019 @ 10:25am
alice cards attack

(poem) april 3rd/4th, 2019

wanting wanting

no i don't know what i'm doing
but i could if we got that far if
we made it there if you let me
breathe for one moment

before you take it away from me

i am so lost and lacking and
i won't be held i can't be but
i will if you give me space to

breathe just a moment please

let me have that - it's just how you know

i've been wanting and you're
wanting and we're all wanting
and it's all i can feel this wanting
and it's all just too much for me to
take in yes i could take it but please

please let me be a moment / have a moment / take a moment

or let me be (but yes, i want to see).

- adp, 04 april 2019 @ 12:02am
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(poem) april 2nd, 2019

shit talking

thought of a poem in the washroom
but I don't write in there so words are
lost to air with the smoke of lit matches

dirty thoughts curve round what was
spoken all the things drift over head
o him o her o them, oh you! but then

there are times, I know I know it's me.

- adp, 02 April 2019 @ 11:55pm
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(poem) april 1st, 2019

bring me down (into your arms)

take a bird, or two, the three of them there
swooping over city blocks in that graceful
flight line of sight way and remember they
are hunting, hungry, wanting creatures like



so i know i told you before about the skyline
and the city but i wanted you to know that i
have more love in me yet, more than several
hearts beating twenty stories down below this



call me out of my high tower, my self-imposed
imprisonment, oh i want a love to bring me down
to the earth for my feet to feel ground as i look up
at all the trees reaching sky with the sunset shadow


across this city / all the sky / and everything / in / between.

- adp, 01 april 2019 @ 5:48pm
alice directions

Book Reading List 2018

Book Reading List for 2018
- - - - - - -
(date finished)
* = first time read all the way through or never been read before
- - - - - - -

1. Darkness and Light: Private Writing as Art An Anthology of Contemporary Journals, Diaries, and Notebooks Edited by Olivia Dresher and Victor Muñoz (17 April 2018) *
2. A Literate Passion: Letters of Anais Nin & Henry Miller 1932-1953 Edited and with an Introduction by Gunther Stuhlmann (28 June 2018) *
3. On Writing by Charles Bukowski Edited by Abel Debritto (13 July 2018) *
4. Chicken by Lynn Crosbie (24 July 2018) *
alice directions

a more tangible life

Wednesday, April 25th, 2018.
I'm not going to write this post the same way as I've been writing other ones.

It's been difficult to approach the blank screen, the blinking cursor, this specific outlet.
On the one hand, I think it's good that I'm using the computer less often, changing the
way I use social media (slightly, sometimes) and trying to live a more tangible life.

I can't deny how I miss being able to post to my LiveJournal and share whatever was
on my mind. I miss writing what I was thinking and feeling in the moment and the
ability to go on tangents of description, to type out dreams, to feel open and how it
connected me with other people online. How it also let some people feel closer to me
no matter the distance - and for me too - the way words opened a window, a door -

a door I can't seem to open without great effort - more so as time goes on.

The internet has changed. It will continue to change. I was always aware of this.
I liked that about it. But now, as the years have passed, how the way we use social
media is changing us - realizing it is a choice always in the way one utilizes tools -
and the internet is a tool - but feeling the toll of years - the way the world is now.

I haven't stopped using various platforms (though FB and I continue to have an off
again / on briefly / off again relationship) and I am unlikely to ever stop using social
media or being interested in it. My interests haven't changed in regards to vlogging,
photography, writing and learning. I don't go a day without accessing the internet.
But I have noticed a difference. I think it comes from a multitude of factors and the
impact of taking in so much information on a daily basis. The influence of influencers.

The heaviness of all that's going on that one can see in real time and the immediate
reactions - how I find myself going silent online about it all even as I discuss these
matters offline. I am more weary and more wary. I did not grow up with the internet
but I have grown up with it in my life since I was 19. I am not 19 anymore. I'm still
learning but I have learned a lot - or enough - to know that it is not emotionally
sustainable to consume online content the way that I have and take care of my
well-being at the same time. How can I even share who I am now if I can't be
who I am - if my life is lived mostly through online curating for who? for what?

I want to write. I want to continue to express myself and to have this outlet,
this means of expression. I've been writing in my paper journal and I am so
grateful I've had the compulsion to put pen to paper - but I know that after
all these years, the same need to document my life with video and photos is
not to be discounted as valid simply because it doesn't have popularity or an
audience. I have always done this for me and I forget that when I give too
much of my time over to scrolling timelines and feeds and subscriptions
and liking this and faving that without honouring my own time for self-
expression / self-care / giving watch time to my self in real time, IRL.

I've been through a lot. Some of it is documented online, some of it isn't.

I know that when I do post or share something, I want it to be authentic.
Not hashtag authentic but truly real and representative of what I feel or
see or want to share of what I am experiencing in that moment in time,
knowing it isn't fully representative of my life but a snapshot, a moment.
I don't do it for attention or to subtweet or to hurt anyone. I do it for me.
I'm not trying to impress anyone (though I won't deny that if someone is
impressed at all by anything I have posted on the internet, if my words or
pictures mean anything at all to people, thank you) but I do not want to
be posting for validation. I can only validate myself. This is something I
will hopefully learn how to do in time but honestly, I don't know if I will.

When I don't post to my online journal, I miss it. I miss this way of writing.
I miss the outlet. I miss myself. I feel similarly (though more so) about my
paper journal. I think there are other people who can relate to this. Same for
those who compulsively take photos of their daily life, who share their lives
with vlogs and videos, who are expressing themselves, saying "I was/am here."

I started this LJ in April 2001. All that has happened since then & before.
Everything now. All that might yet occur. I am amazed. And I'm still here.
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