Sunday, December 1st, 2019.
I was writing in my paper journal (something I haven't done in a long time) and thinking about whether I would attempt to type 750 words today or not. Decided I would at least try. This isn't giving me much time to do so and I don't know what I will write about but here I go. Again.
- I didn't make it a week with the words. I just couldn't. Couldn't even. Didn't. Did not complete. Nope. Nothing.
When there are some things one can't write about but they are the biggest things happening in one's life, it makes it hard for me to think of writing anything at all. I wonder, what's the point if I can't write what is actually on my mind? To not be able to share the feelings and thoughts I have about (at the time) big life events, it's very frustrating. It brings me to a halt. I don't know what to do with that. All the words I can't write that are right there. There.
I made a vlog earlier this evening - a talking to the webcam vlog
- and I surprised myself with how sad I am. I tried to make the vlog a few times and then just accepted that I sounded that depressed because I likely am. sad vlog is sad. It's so sad that it won't upload to YouTube. It's not even a quarter of the way there and it's been uploading for a long time. If it ever uploads, I may try to make a talking vlog every day this month but I don't know. I haven't been doing anything daily as of recent.11:40pm
Just realized that I didn't put any music on. This is probably the first time I've typed words without something playing in the background. I was listening to and watching YouTube videos while writing a page or two in my paper journal and that's likely why I didn't turn on Spotify. Also, I don't think I want any applications interfering with this upload process - it's already slow enough.
It is December 2019. The last month of the year 2019. Isn't that strange? To those of us who have been around for a bit, isn't it a bit surreal to see that it will be 2020 in less than a month. Incomprehensible long ago.
The now is here. It keeps being now and I'm still not present. I'm all over the place, back and forth into the past. Tripping over the various possible strings tied to other paths I might have taken at different points in my life. I'm here with this tangled mess.
What do I do with this?11:45pm
The decision has been made that I will move back to my hometown next year. It's the practical thing to do. The best way to survive. Makes financial sense. Keeps the cat family together. I mentioned in the vlog that I'm heartbroken. I am.
It won't be the worst thing. I know that. But it will feel like that sometimes. Even though it won't be. I'm going backward but sometimes that is the way forward. The roundabout. Or am I always going in circles? Do I circle upward or down or is it a mixture of both until the inevitable end of it all? I don't know what I'm doing and it shows. Then again, I'm not all that sure that anyone really knows what they're doing in every aspect of their lives. Just when you think you do, something happens to make you see that you don't.
The marriage remains open and my heart is a cage that is locked up. I love, yes, but not in the way I would like. I feel the lack and I tried to give dating a shot but I hate the apps. Exhausted by the way it's done. Is it really so different than when I was in my thirties and I'm just more tired now or have things become too swipey? Swipe away. Next.
I am who I say I am. Truth and trust mean a lot to me. If I haven't shared one thing, it's only because I don't know if I feel like it's safe to do so. Otherwise, I'm an open book and it's all out here anyway, in some form. I've been online for a long time. I've got thousands of photographs, hundreds of videos, so many online journal entries, instagram posts and tweets, podcasts and other breadcrumbs of me. I'm scattered everywhere but it's me. This is me.11:55pm
This turning forty something crisis is hitting me really hard and I'm struggling with it terribly.
But I made it to 750 words
It was a dark and stormy December day.